Falls River Wisconsin 5K this weekend. It will be a little different. You won’t see any race numbers meticulously trimmed to fighting weight. You won’t find personalized safety pins (.05g!), you won’t find bulky anywhere. You won’t see racing flats. You will see a start and finish line. You might hear a sentimental beep as you cross a mat. Moot entertainment.
Every runner will have a Purple Cow Chip implanted into their right foot, elites in both feet. Here’s the twist. For a sliding fee to PC’s favorite charity you can select “nega-chips”. Choose from “Hobbyjogger”, “Weekend Warrior”, or “Real Runner” and your time automatically deducts to your prepaid selection. Can’t beat Jay Welp? Well now you can! Upgrade to the “Elite” nega-chip and receive up to 5:00 off your “*official time”.
*All times will be recognized by WECRAWL for their year end uncertified awards.
You might think this tale is far fetched. If you would have told me 20 years ago that runners would use selfie sticks in the Boston Marathon I would have laughed right at you. If you would have told me that “races’ would have customers paying to have any manner of glow or foam or flour or mud or feces thrown at them, well I’d just sit back and wonder if you had bats in your belfry. If you would have predicted that you could sit behind a screen, enter a “Virtual Race”, I’d have thought you virtually crazy.
Purple Cow, some really innovative bullshit.
Don’t have the Right Stuff? Purple Cow’s got you covered!