Baring some soul this morning.

I was a stay at home dad.  Tried to do right by my three children.  I  had to go it alone.  My ex a highfalutin business woman, raging and not quite functional alcoholic.  Ugly divorce with her in and out of half way and recovery houses.  Sitting on piles of money and a lengthy police record as it turns out.  Neither of which I knew about until the discovery process, sad stuff.

There are very few things in life I regret.  Not taking my kids away from  that environment is one.  I put up with the drinking because I didn’t have confidence in myself to provide what her income gave them.  A loveless arrangement for the last dozen years, separate bedrooms for the last 6.  I still tried to hold my kids to some degree of self responsibility, some accountability, as she lavished upon them.

It has been 8 years and one month since my son told me what he had been taught by her to say.  I haven’t seen him since, miss him  dearly every day, cry some nights.  This past Christmas my two daughters recited their displeasure over a joint investment dispute and indicated I wouldn’t be seeing them again unless I signed the money  over to the ex.  I love them still and hope that some day they will understand that parent’s problems should never be foisted upon the kids.

I don’t expect to hear from my kids on Sunday.  That hurts but I’m slowly becoming numb.

It will be a Happy Father’s Day though!  My dad,  still kicking at age 88 down in southwest Oklahoma.  I love him now most of all.  For what he did when I was a child.

I never understood then how he could live with dear old mom, an abusive alcoholic, I hated them both well into my 20s.

I learned to forgive.  And by looking at things through mature eyes, learned to love them both.  Understanding that I had no right to judge either parent as a child.

I love you Miles, Allison and Katie.  Always have,  always will.  And still hold out hope that I’ll someday get to see you again.