Baring some soul this morning.
I was a stay at home dad. Tried to do right by my three children. I had to go it alone. My ex a highfalutin business woman, raging and not quite functional alcoholic. Ugly divorce with her in and out of half way and recovery houses. Sitting on piles of money and a lengthy police record as it turns out. Neither of which I knew about until the discovery process, sad stuff.
There are very few things in life I regret. Not taking my kids away from that environment is one. I put up with the drinking because I didn’t have confidence in myself to provide what her income gave them. A loveless arrangement for the last dozen years, separate bedrooms for the last 6. I still tried to hold my kids to some degree of self responsibility, some accountability, as she lavished upon them.
It has been 8 years and one month since my son told me what he had been taught by her to say. I haven’t seen him since, miss him dearly every day, cry some nights. This past Christmas my two daughters recited their displeasure over a joint investment dispute and indicated I wouldn’t be seeing them again unless I signed the money over to the ex. I love them still and hope that some day they will understand that parent’s problems should never be foisted upon the kids.
I don’t expect to hear from my kids on Sunday. That hurts but I’m slowly becoming numb.
It will be a Happy Father’s Day though! My dad, still kicking at age 88 down in southwest Oklahoma. I love him now most of all. For what he did when I was a child.
I never understood then how he could live with dear old mom, an abusive alcoholic, I hated them both well into my 20s.
I learned to forgive. And by looking at things through mature eyes, learned to love them both. Understanding that I had no right to judge either parent as a child.
I love you Miles, Allison and Katie. Always have, always will. And still hold out hope that I’ll someday get to see you again.
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